I should add that amidst all this I still have hope. I don't know why. Maybe it is so overwhelming that I am aware I can't carry it - am not supposed to carry it. I'm not as depressed as I was before I confronted how much hurt there is inside of me. Now that I am honest with my struggles and my doubts about God - my utter frustration and anger at the way things are, and my complete admission of how powerlessness to do anything about it I am(anything that feels worth a damn) - I am able to move forward honestly, and don't have to let my soul be destroyed by this hurt and confusion.